That storm in my life at the time of quarantine. I was afraid of falling in love. I love many things in this world, I love animal, I love my family, I love my friends and a lot of things. However, falling so deeply in love with someone and investing my life into theirs only to discover that they do not feel the same about me. To me, that is how you die while still breathing and you can never recover from that how hard you try. The scariest part about that is that you are never going to know if you are falling for the wrong person.
I fell in love with a person who gave me a marriage proposal 9 months back. I started getting adjusted to his lifestyle which was hard for me. Met his parents even before the marriage. Both our families got involved and got attached to each other. I love his parents and brother a lot. Especially his mom. The one who was always on the video call with me. Share everything that happened in the office or what so ever.
When he proposed to me, he said that he will get bored of girls really soon which I ignored at that time. He even said that his family is very different which I was not much concerned about.
When my friends and many other people told me that he doesn't suit you, he is trying to play with you, he will definitely cheat on you, he is mad about girls, etc. I ignored their words because I kept all my faith in him.
Yes, he made me realize everything 4 days before the quarantine starts. He got bored with me. He started chatting with his ex. He said that it's not working between us which I never felt. That was the first time in our relationship where I begged him to be with me. But he made a strong decision. I still have no clarity for our breakup because every time he gave me different reasons.
He even told me that his family is different wherein I understood in what way they are different only after our break up. They were actually fine with everything he decides. Because fuck and forget are common these days (according to them).
He saw my mom crying but still, he didn't change his mind. I forgave him many times when I caught him chatting with other girls, when I wanted to end he didn't let me go. Now he left me so easily because he wanted someone else with a higher position, pretty, sexy, and also his career. After a few days, I let him go.
I was devastated, cried a lot all alone in one room for many many days. The entire country was under lockdown. I got stuck here alone. Friends or family cannot take me with them nor I could go to them to forget things. I had literally no one for me. Even now tears are rolling down while writing this.
It is all about the pain in my heart, emptiness, got into anxiety depression, death cause, heartache, felt like am in a complete loss, full of negativity in my mind, always thought about self-harm, I forgot my identity, lost hope, had no patience to wait for anything, couldn't forgive, couldn't heal my pain, neglected my health, no positivity, forgot my family and friends love, my purpose of life, dreams, stopped working, felt like there is only failure but not a success, stopped being kind, no gratitude and lot many feelings.
In fact, I forgot what is happiness and who can decide my life and death. I am frustrated as fuck.
That's when I started blogging and created a page on Facebook and Instagram. I started cooking and sharing the recipe, I started a story of Alex and Alexa (Imaginary story). All of this was diverting my mind and new ideas to blog on. However, it's been more than a week now, I have stopped everything as my breakup is still bothering me. It is not just a love breakup, it's all about my wedding and my feelings were broken into pieces.
I would have been engaged with my guy by this time if his parents had officially met my parents when they got to know about us in the month of July. They pushed it till December with a silly reason. Which will still trigger me. From the day I fell in love with him, it was always my dream to get married to him and be in his arms, work together, and lead a happy life. But he and his parents were still thinking about when to proceed further. Finally, I fell in love with the wrong person.
We think our dreams are dying but here is the truth. dreams never die. They are simply leaving you. When they grow tired they change homes. They believe, they deserve better because dreams love doers more than thinkers.
Yes, dreams love doers more than thinkers.
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